Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him.
However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.
They are making a new drug called Tiagra. It's good for 18 holes.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Two Woodpeckers...
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Tax audit
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "We save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and once a year they send us a complete dick."
Thursday, December 17, 2009
TWO ITALIANS ON A BUS
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who a talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.
$5.00 says you're gonna read this
again!!
animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who a talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.
$5.00 says you're gonna read this
again!!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Things you can only say on Thanksgiving
Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen
Attitude
Attitude
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your
qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol
across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out
and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When
can you start?
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your
qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol
across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out
and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When
can you start?
Drunk Biker
THE BEST DRUNK STORY
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him
square in the eyes and says.................... 'Grandpa;....... Go home!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him
square in the eyes and says.................... 'Grandpa;....... Go home!
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