Girls Night Out

Two girl friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten overly enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came homewith no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....."From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

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Life explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone Who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life Span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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Rice-A-Roni

This weekend we visited with my aunt and uncle from Corpus Christi (or Chrispy as Dean says). Anyway, my aunt mentioned that she had come across weevils in Rice-A-Roni. I have never encountered such a thing. Well, tonight as I am fixing dinner I had a box of whole grain rice-a-roni in the cabinet and thought it would go well with the baked chicken and vegetables that I was fixing.

As I poured the rice mixture into the pot, I looked down and noticed little black bugs wiggling around in there. OH MY GOD.... If I hadn't have had the conversation with my aunt, I wouldn't have ever looked into the pot and I'm sure once the water gets to a high enough temperature, the bugs just quit wiggling. GROSS.

I threw out the mixture and made some regular "white" rice. I didn't know that there was such a problem with Rice-A-Roni. This wasn't a box that had been in my cabinet for a long time either. If I were to guess, I'd had the box about 3 to 6 weeks. Not a long time for a dry good.

I'll be much more observant from now on....

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Voicemail Greetings

I've just spent an hour recording voicemail greetings on my cell phone and our home phone. What a pain in the ass! My voice sounds completely different when it's played back than it does in my head. I don't really like it actually.

Since my new job officially starts on Monday, I wanted to update my cell phone message. This took about 50 tries and finally I got something that was "ok". Then I decided while I was at it I should record one for the home phone which hasn't even been set up since we bought it about 3 weeks ago.

For the cell recording I kept it professional since it's being used for business. The home phone I decided to be a little funny and said this:

"Dean and I either aren't home, screening our calls or didn't hear it ring, so leave a message..."

Ok, now that I see that typed out it looks quite rediculous so I must go back and start over!

*********************** 30 minutes later *****************

Well, I went back to the standard "We aren't here, leave a message". Is there anyone on Earth who doesn't know the instructions for leaving a message by now? The whole routine seems very stupid...

Oh well, that task it complete.

HEALTH CARE PLAN FROM THE GOVERNMENT?

WHAT ARE WE IN FOR HERE IN THE USA?

On the news up here in Canada where Hillary Clinton introduced her new health care plan. Something similar to what we have in Canada. I also heard that Michael Moore was raving about the health care up here in Canada in his latest movie. As your friend and someone who lives with the Canada health care plan I thought I would give you some facts about this great medical plan that we have in Canada. First of all:

1) The health care plan in Canada is not free. We pay a premium every month of $96 for Shirley and I to be covered. Sounds great eh. What they don't tell you is how much we pay in taxes to keep the health care system afloat. I am personally in the 55% tax bracket. Yes 55% of my earnings go to taxes. A large portion of that and I am not sure of the exact amount goes directly to health care our #1 expense.

2) I would not classify what we have as health care plan, it is more like a health diagnosis system. You can get into to see a doctor quick enough so he can tell you "yes indeed you are sick or you need an operation" but now the challenge becomes getting treated or operated on. We have waiting lists out the ying yang some as much as 2 years down the road.

3) Rather than fix what is wrong with you the usual tactic in Canada is to prescribe drugs. Have a pain here is a drug to take- not what is causing the pain and why. No time for checking you out because it is more important to move as many patients thru as possible each hour for Government re-imbursement

4) Many Canadians do not have a family Doctor.

5) Don't require emergency treatment as you may wait for hours in the emergency room waiting for treatment.

6) Shirley's dad cut his hand on a power saw a few weeks back and it required that his hand be put in a splint - to our surprise we had to pay $125 for a splint because it is not covered under health care plus we have to pay $60 for each visit for him to check it out each week.

7) Shirley's cousin was diagnosed with a heart blockage. Put on a waiting list. Died before he could get treatment.

8) Government allots so many operations per year. When that is done no more operations, unless you go to your local newspaper and plead your case and embarrass the government then money suddenly appears.

9) The Government takes great pride in telling us how much more they are increasing the funding for health care but waiting lists never get shorter. Government just keeps throwing money at the problem but it never goes away. But they are good at finding new ways to tax us, but they don't call it a tax anymore it is now a user fee.

10) My mother needs an operation for a blockage in her leg but because she is a smoker they will not do it. Despite her and my father paying into the health care system all these years. My Mom is 80 years of age. Now there is talk that maybe we should not treat fat and obese people either because they are a drain on the health care system. Let me see now, what we want in Canada is a health care system for healthy people only. That should reduce our health care costs.

11) Forget getting a second opinion, what you see is what you get.

12) I can spend what money I have left after taxes on booze, cigarettes, junk food and anything else that could kill me but I am not allowed by law to spend my money on getting an operation I need because that would be jumping the queue. I must wait my turn except if I am a hockey player or athlete then I can get looked at right away. Go figure. Where else in the world can you spend money to kill yourself but not allowed to spend money to get healthy.

13) Oh did I mention that immigrants are covered automatically at tax payer expense having never contributed a dollar to the system and pay no premiums.

14) Oh yeh we now give free needles to drug users to try and keep them healthy. Wouldn't want a sickly druggie breaking into your house and stealing your things. But people with diabetes who pay into the health care system have to pay for their needles because it is not covered but the health care system.

I send this out not looking for sympathy but as the election looms in the states you will be hearing more and more about universal health care down there and the advocates will be pointing to Canada. I just want to make sure that you hear the truth about health care up here and have some food for thought and informed questions to ask when broached with this subject.

Step wisely and don't make the same mistakes we have.

________________________________________________________

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,

Her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first, me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next, me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree, resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

THIS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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I'm Outta There!

It's over...
That's it...
Curtain call...

It's 5:00 somewhere

Beer-thirty..
Miller time...

Take this job and shove it!

SEE YA!

A Nice Goodbye!

Everyone at the office pitched in and had a big lunch as a going away gesture for me. It was awesome! Especially the "bucket" of tater tots!! Anyone from GP who is reading this... Thank You!

Tomorrow is my last day, but today I actually cleaned out my desk and threw out all the old files that had collected for the last 3.5 years today. What a mess!

Reality has really sunk in now and I'm off on a new adventure. Working at GP has been a great experience that I will always remember but it's time to move on.

Someone told me today that it's good to be scared. That's nice to know because the closer it gets, the more I move from scared to terrified. I hope the butterflies in my stomach will carry me to great places where I will find happiness, success and fulfillment. I'm usually not this mushy about leaving a job, but this one is different. It was my first job in a new career and my first job since moving from my hometown in Indiana. My friends and the people I know since I moved here 4 years ago I met through this job. I also have more at stake than I've ever had before either. I guess that's what makes it much different than the other jobs I've left.

I'm going to miss my view of downtown Boca Grande and the ride in to work over the bridges and the water (isn't it funny what we discover that we'll miss). I won't miss the chaos and unorganization that I've lived with for all this time. I tried to change that, but discovered that was an exercise in futility. I'm watching my replacement come in with all the ideas of whipping this little corner into shape... I wish her luck!

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Almost Done

Yesterday at work I started to really feel like an outsider.

Everyone now knows that I have put in my notice and I feel like I'm getting some nasty looks from at least one of the brokers at the office.

My broker is out of town this week which is the only reason I'm there. Also to train my replacement... I never had training when I started.

I had a lunch appointment with my new boss and her assistant. I was gone from the office for 3 hours. During that 3 hours wouldn't you know a realtor from Sarasota called and needed to view some properties. Of course she called Bob and of course I wasn't there. His comment to my replacement was "where am I paying Mindy to be today". What an asshole. After I got back the rest of the day was as usual... dead - boring - nothing to do - surf the net - shop online - talk - wish you were somewhere else.

Oh well, today and tomorrow and it's over. I'm not going in on Friday since Brian the almighty real estate protege will be back in to save the day!

I'm so done with them...