Did anyone hear Kat Deluna sing the national anthem on Monday night football 9/15/08??? She was HORRIBLE. I would rather hear two cats screwing in an alley. That was one of the worst performances I've ever seen. Who the Hell gave this girl her money or fame? She needs to be in school somewhere.
DREAD... I bet she doesn't know who the president is.... What a disaster.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Hormonal Consequences
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull ****. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull ****. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Bear Remover
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner."If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner."If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Joke of the day!
A husband and wife are shopping at their local Wal-Mart and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife.
So he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife.
So he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'
Labor Day
The Labor Day get together went great.
Dean and Michael had fun golfing - they even ended up with a free 9-hole round from what I understand! Marcy and I lounged around the pool, drank strawberry Margareta's and swam. It was fun for just the two of us to hang out. We don't often get a chance for that.
Mom & dad came over a little while later. Their morning was spent working the Pilgrim parade on Dearborn street. Dad helped with the VFW float which consisted of Bob Antilla's pickup truck and a mobile train set!
We all sat around the table, talked and played a couple hands of poker before eating.
My ribs didn't come out as good as I had hoped. I actually forgot how long I had boiled them the last time and I was worried I would boil them to long. I only boiled them for 45 minutes and I think it should have been 90 minutes. I'm going to try again tonight since I have 1 rack left. The ribs tasted good and they were done, but just not the "fall off the bone" done like I was hoping for.
My blackberry cobbler was awesome! I think everyone liked it. Mom brought deviled eggs which we devoured as an appetizer prior to dinner. She also brought over a pasta salad that was very tasty with the ribs. Marcy made some cookies with natural brown sugar that were delightful! We all had to divvy up them up before she left.
The afternoon was fun and the weather turned out to be great!
Dean and Michael had fun golfing - they even ended up with a free 9-hole round from what I understand! Marcy and I lounged around the pool, drank strawberry Margareta's and swam. It was fun for just the two of us to hang out. We don't often get a chance for that.
Mom & dad came over a little while later. Their morning was spent working the Pilgrim parade on Dearborn street. Dad helped with the VFW float which consisted of Bob Antilla's pickup truck and a mobile train set!
We all sat around the table, talked and played a couple hands of poker before eating.
My ribs didn't come out as good as I had hoped. I actually forgot how long I had boiled them the last time and I was worried I would boil them to long. I only boiled them for 45 minutes and I think it should have been 90 minutes. I'm going to try again tonight since I have 1 rack left. The ribs tasted good and they were done, but just not the "fall off the bone" done like I was hoping for.
My blackberry cobbler was awesome! I think everyone liked it. Mom brought deviled eggs which we devoured as an appetizer prior to dinner. She also brought over a pasta salad that was very tasty with the ribs. Marcy made some cookies with natural brown sugar that were delightful! We all had to divvy up them up before she left.
The afternoon was fun and the weather turned out to be great!
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